Maybe the Universe Sent Us Peg 15

Today, I took my littlest to the local amazing little craft shop. It was one of our last one-to-one days together before she starts school, and a twelve-year era of me having a little one at home comes to a quiet close.

She's my third child. I’ve done this before. I know what I’m doing. I'm ok.

But actually, I'm not.

I've had 12 years of having one little person at home. It’s been exhausting, the house has always been a mess, my concentration has been split between 5 million things at once. I've felt like a sub-par mother, a sub-par feeder (this is totally the title for another blog post I think!!), a sub-par employee (until self-employed, and then sub-par business owner), a sub-par keeper of the house, a sub-par wife.

I am so close to the edge of having a little more time for myself, a chance to be a little less 'sub-par' at everything. So how come, now that I'm teetering on the edge of it, I don't want it?

I have so enjoyed the precious one-to-one time I've had with each of my babies. I've enjoyed getting to know them, understanding who they are, having those sacred moments of being a fully attentive, fully present mother. But now, we are on the cusp of all three being out in the world, all at once.

And speaking of time... everyone knows it speeds up when school starts. When they're all there.... will it go into warp speed?

I want to enjoy every moment, but I definitely didn't enjoy today. I was short-tempered and rubbish with everyone. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat, overwhelmed by the feeling of it all.

But then, we went into the school. We met the lovely teachers, and my daughter looked so happy and excited. She found her peg, and in a little moment of magic, she got her favourite number: 15.

And just like that, I could breathe again.

Maybe that was the universe telling me it's all going to be ok. That we are both ready for this next stage, this next season in our lives. I know she absolutely is. And now, I think I am too.

Or maybe not.

But I am.

(maybe)